Ten Common Myths Parents Have About Their Child's Learning

In recent times, the concept of schooling is undergoing a tremendous change. As such, the social status determinants, competitions promoted by consumerist markets, technology based learning resources as the additive positive inputs for rendering excellence and the like, appear to be defining, what learning is all about. With increasing awareness among parents, their contributions to the growth of their wards has both been constructive as well as questionable. There is an increasing tendency to compare the performance of their wards with other children, because both go to the same school, both pay the same fee and both have the same social status. Such comparisons are absolutely inocrrect, as learning depends on various other factors including attitudes, aptitudes, learning environments, home atmosphere and the psychological background. Says Brian Herbert, ““The capacity to learn is a gift; The ability to learn is a skill; The willingness to learn is a choice.” Having been in the field of education for over forty years, my general observations about some myths parents carry about learning are detailed below:

Many believe, given the right type of inputs, learning can be caused. Brain scientists, on the other hand, have proved beyond doubt that learning cannot be caused; it can only be facilitated. Learning depends largely on the personal learning profile of the learner which includes his interests, aptitudes, focus, concentrations and the psychological motivation, the learner has in a given discipline. The following words of Khalil Gibran speak for themselves:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

For centuries, books have played a significant role in enabling and empowering learning. In the recent past, the role of textbooks has dramatically changed as harbingers of information rather harbingers of knowledge or wisdom. Psychologists do feel, that the quantum and quality of informal learning from the external world has a major and powerful role to play. Therefore, a lot of synergy is required between learning through textbooks and learning from other sources like family, environment and society. It is in this context, parents need to spend time with their children establishing positive and loving communication, that promotes trust, confidence and cordial relationships. Parents can play a very positive role by generating discussions about a variety of social, cultural, ethical and pragmatic issues and helping the children to think with a broader perspective. It is not necessary for parents to be either highly educated or specialized in a field, but their essence of experience in life could make amazing impacts on the thought architecture of the children. Learning from the environment, physical and emotional, will take them towards holistic learning. Says Albert Einstein ““Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.” It is indeed worth an introspection.

It is very important for parents to understand, if necessary, through psychological consultations to see whether the children have aptitudes for certain types of subjects or pursuits of a given course of learning. Forcing the children to perform in areas where they have no interest or aptitude, may make them psychological wrecks. It is important to understand that there is no child without aptitudes, but the field of their aptitude might significantly vary from what the parents dream. I am aware of a large number of cases where students have suffered depression, low self-esteem, anxiety disorders and even suicidal tendencies because of the stress caused to deal with learning areas where they are not comfortable with their courses of study.  I have seen students sitting in entrance examinations for medicine without even wanting to write anything, just to please the parents who were waiting outside. Even if they cope at a given point of time, they have very serious long-term effects and sometimes it has serious negative impacts in their personality and professional profiles.

Good marks in any examination are generally indicators of the learning profile of the children. But, oftentimes, such performances are consequent to the prevailing stress or due to rote learning or their ability to handle the requirements of some standardized examinations. They are not necessarily the real proof of the intelligence of the children, their ability to think, analyze, innovate and be creative. As such, a large number of students suffer from lack of clarity even in basic concepts in spite of their perfect scores in examinations. Studies on students who scored a hundred percent in a given subject in the public examinations show that they failed in the same subject in the subsequent examinations in the higher institutions of learning. Marks can be celebrated but they do not qualify as the most correct tools of determining intelligence.

There is no second opinion about the role of the teacher as the a significant contributor to the learning profile of the children. Nevertheless, teachers alone cannot impact the quality and quantity of learning, without the assistance of parents. There is an old theosophical statement which says “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.” While most teachers get motivated triggered by the inquisitiveness of the learner, there are other extraneous conditions that relate to the performance of the learners. Oftentimes, parents tend to make negative remarks about the teachers even to their own wards, because their wards have not performed well. Sometimes, they reach out to the schools with aggressive postures to make complaints. Such tendencies appear to be on the increase. Parents should note that neither schools nor teachers can assume exclusive responsibility for the growth profile of the learners, if the parents don’t offer adequate interest and support. Only when the responsibilities are shared, it bears fruit.

A Japanese proverb says “A father’s goodness is higher than the mountain; and a mother’s goodness is deeper than the sea.” It is quite natural for the parents to have a great belief and trust in their own wards. It needs to be certainly acknowledged. But it is equally important to understand that the child is under a great peer pressure and social connects, which need not be healthy, which the parents are not adequately aware of, at all times. Sometimes, their over-confidence in the child lets them ignore some of the aberrations. Other times, they think that ‘after all, they are children and if they don’t do mistakes now, when else they will do.’ They seem to be absolutely right, till things go out of hands. When children fall a prey to situations, become victims of some gang behaviour, parents start feeling “No, my child can’t go wrong.” I have seen a number of cases, where the students get trapped into some avoidable offences, from which it becomes extremely difficult to restore them. Parents would do well to keep close connect with their awards, mentor them, monitor them and engage them with talks relating to values, ethics and discipline. They would equally do well, when they have a feedback about their children from the school and take them in proper strides, instead of taking offence due to their unlimited and unconditional love for their children. They should understand that the schools have a right and responsibility to discipline the child and they need to support such endeavours, so long it doesn’t cause a physical or emotional threat to the child.

The term ‘high-profile’ school is indeed a misnomer. The profile of a school doesn’t lie in its name, brand, infrastructure or its social tags. Not certainly on the high quantum of fee levied or paid. The profile of the school is decided by its deliverables, especially on its transparency to develop confident, competent and contributive citizens for the country. Many parents suffer from such myths and thus there is some kind of polarization in school types. Parents sometimes think that they meet every single requirement of the child and hence the child has to be happy; and they think that it is an indicator of their pursuit of excellence in education. It is absolutely wrong. Please note that cozy life styles are no guarantee to render better environment for learning. Learning can happen even in most painful circumstances, so long the fire in the belly of the learner for assimilation of knowledge is alive. The children do well, when they know they are loved, when they see they are cared, when they know that there is somebody to depend on, when they find that there is someone to listen to their wishes and dreams and when they find that their identity is being acknowledged. The children do well, when they see some hope and when they see an opportunity.All these promote the self-esteem of the learners driving them to perform through a process of self-actualization.

Very often, parents have a tendency to demonstrate their social status, official power, high level contacts and their financial glory when they come to visit the schools. They want to show to the school team and other parents how they matter, thereby sending a very wrong and negative signal to their children. A number of cases have surfaced where the children have just gone wrong, keeping in mind what their parents can do for them. There are also cases where parental behaviour has caused stress and discomfort to the children, brought disrepute to them among their peers. A school is a social system, where every parent is equal and at par. They don’t command any other relationships with the school except through their wards who are students. Hence, it should be the endeavour on the part of parents to show simplicity, humility and respect to the system of education during their presence. This would set a long-term impact in the minds of their wards. Further, it would add value to their own status.

It has become order of the day for many families to boast and tell the world that ‘my child goes for so many tuitions and he just doesn’t have any personal time’. Believe me, turions are not magic wands to transform your child and tuition masters are no angels to transform your children. Yes, many of them make sincere efforts to improve the performance of the children in a given discipline not necessarily by adding value or knowledge, but inducting a practice or a regularity that sets the minimal learning tracks safe and worthy of progress. They certainly do offer some tips to effective learning, but the belief that the students would do well only if they go for tuitions in all subjects is a misconception. This is indeed tragic when it comes to children of primary classes. As such, such schedules of time must be leveraged by the parents to extend their life skills, value systems, social beliefs and extended reading.

In a large number of cases, parents or their children may need professional counselling. This is required not because there are medical or psychological challenges, but because there are certain latent problems which need to be handled professionally with care, comfort and conviction. Such professional counselling exercises are not suggestive of any deficiency, disorder or challenge either of them has. It often helps to promote understanding of situations and deal with them appropriately. In a number of cases, inability of parents to condescend to the suggestions of schools or teachers for such exercises because of ego, social status or other reasons have done enough of harm to the children. In a world which stands increasingly gravitated to immediate gratification needs, emotional disconnects, emotional turbulence and sometimes emotional blandness, avoiding counselling needs might create long term impacts on the child. They need to be addressed well on time.

It is said “To be in your children’ lives tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.” A committed parenting is indeed the best investment on a child’s future.